Life & Self-Preservation an Essay by Che Michelle

A Field Guide to Not Getting on My Last Nerve

On boundaries, energy vampires, unsolicited weight commentary, and the radical act of minding your business.

By Che Michelle · Boundary Enthusiast & Credentialed Nowhere

I have boundaries. Several of them, in fact, and I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about them, refining them, and preparing to explain them to anyone who will listen and also to a few people who have made it clear they will not. This essay is for both groups. Consider it a public service announcement. Consider it a love language. Consider it a warning.

Let me be clear from the top: having boundaries is different from being difficult. It is different from being cold, or antisocial, or “a lot.” It is the same as knowing yourself well enough to say “Here is where I end and where you begin, and I would appreciate it if you respected that line.” That’s it. That’s the whole thing and yet here we are.

01Do Not Comment on My Weight

This is the one I feel most strongly about and will defend until I leave this earth. Do not comment on my weight. Not if I’ve gained it. Not if I’ve lost it. Not if you’ve noticed a change so dramatic that you feel physically compelled to say something. Keep it in your mind, or mouth. Swallow it. Let it go.

Here is the thing: you are not a physician. You are not a registered dietitian, a nutritionist, a physical therapist, a personal trainer, or a nurse. You are a person who has eyes and opinions, and I did not ask for either of those things today. If I gain weight, I am a woman in my 40s pick a culprit (probably the wine and estrogen). If I have lost weight, I have been watching what I eat. Either way, the situation is handled. We are moving on.

“You don’t know what I’m battling. You don’t know how stressed I am. And frankly, it is not your business to know. That’s the point.”

What I actually want what I think we all actually want for the people we love to be healthy. Not thin. Not a certain size. Healthy. Able to go on a walk without getting winded. Able to sit at a dinner table and eat without feeling anxious about every item on the menu. Comfortable. Present. That is the goal. And none of that requires your unsolicited commentary on my body. So. We’re done here.

02My Appearance Is Not a Conversation Starter

There is a difference a crucial, non-negotiable difference between a compliment and a critique dressed up as concern. “That outfit is giving me a headache, what happened?” Fine. Fair. I can work with that. We can have a conversation about the outfit. But “you never get your hair done” and “why does your hair look like that” and “did you even look in a mirror before you left the house” those are not feedback. Those are you putting your bad energy somewhere it was not invited.

The allowable version of this conversation is simple: “Oh, I like those earrings. Where’d you get them?” And then I tell you, and you either want them or you don’t, and we both go about our lives. That is the transaction. That is all it needs to be. Anything beyond that requires explicit permission that, for the record, I have not given.

03You Cannot Talk About My People

This one has nuance, so pay attention. If I come to you frustrated about something a cousin did, I am venting about the situation. I am not issuing a license for you to call my cousin raggedy. That license does not exist. It never existed. The fact that I said something about them in a moment of frustration does not mean you now have access to that same lane. You do not.

And yes, I take accountability here too. I try not to talk recklessly about the people I love to people who don’t love them the same way, because I will not give anyone ammunition to speak poorly about someone I care about not even when we’re in disagreement, not even when things are hard. If we’re beefing and you call them out of their name, I will correct you. That’s still someone I love. Watch your mouth.

04Respect My Time or Lose Access to It

I will tell you exactly why I stopped inviting people to things: because people change plans an hour before. Because “can we do Wednesday?” becomes “actually I can’t” at 6:47 PM on Wednesday. Because single does not mean available, and “you don’t have kids” does not mean I don’t have a life.

“There are people out there in improv groups. Knitting classes. Going back to school. Just because they haven’t told you doesn’t mean they have time for you.”

I also have a second job, which means I have an employer whose time I respect and coworkers who are counting on me to show up. I am not calling out on a Wednesday night because you decided at noon that you wanted to go to dinner. That is not a character flaw. That is called integrity, and it is becoming rarer by the day.

Making time for someone looks different than simply having free time, and I wish more people understood this distinction. I will rearrange things for you if I care about you and you give me enough notice to do it with grace. Last-minute chaos is not something I’m available for and the fact that I’ve stopped asking doesn’t mean I don’t miss it. I miss dinner parties with friends. I miss the conversation that happens over a meal with people you love. I just stopped being willing to sacrifice my schedule, my income, and my peace for events that might not even happen. That’s math.

05Ask Before You Vent

This one I learned the hard way. I used to vent to friends the way people used to write in diaries freely, regularly, and without checking whether the other person had capacity. And I thought I was just sharing. Turns out some of them thought I was emotionally relocating all of my problems into their living room on a permanent basis. We had different interpretations of the same conversation, and that difference quietly soured things.

So now I ask first. “Hey, is it okay if I talk about something?” And if the answer is no, I receive that no with grace because their no is not a rejection of me. It’s a person telling me where their bandwidth is today, which is actually a form of honesty I respect. I go write it down. I record a voice note. I go talk to my therapist. I handle it.

And look I say this with love if your support system keeps redirecting you to a professional, that is worth paying attention to. Not because your problems aren’t real. But because a therapist is trained for this, and your friends are tired, and those two things can coexist without anyone being the villain.

06Energy Vampires Will Be Blocked

They are real. I need everyone to accept this. There are people who walk into a room and immediately begin redistributing the oxygen somewhere it can’t reach you. Some of them know they’re doing it. Some of them genuinely don’t. It doesn’t matter. The effect on the room is the same.

You have the right a full, complete, God-given right to protect your energy from people who consistently drain it. This is not cruelty. This is not abandonment. This is you deciding that your peace is worth protecting with the same energy you’d use to protect anything else you value. Block the number. Skip the group chat. Wear the crystal if that’s what you believe in. Say your prayer. Do what you need to do. Your energy is not a public utility.

07Do Not Compare Your Life to Mine

We made different choices. That is the entire explanation. Your choices led to your life. My choices led to mine. Neither of us is wrong. Neither of us owes the other a justification. What you are absolutely not going to do is look at where I am, look at where you are, run some internal calculation, and then present me with your findings like I asked for an audit.

Comparison is human. I understand the impulse. But there is a line between a natural moment of reflection and deciding that your choices only make sense if mine were wrong and I will not be standing on that side of the line with you.

08My Spiritual Life Is Not a Debate Topic

I am a practicing Catholic. That is my business, and I have made my peace with it. What I have not made peace with, and will not, is the version of this conversation where you feel called to inform me that I could find God anywhere as though I haven’t considered this, as though the tradition I have chosen is not something I hold with intention and care.

You can talk to me about spirituality. We can discuss meaning, and practice, and the things that ground us. What you cannot do is treat my beliefs like a draft that needs your edits. Nobody’s spiritual practice requires your approval to be valid. Not mine. Not anyone’s. Mind the business that pays you, which in this case is your own soul.

“You’re over there. I’m over here. I’m not going to let you come over here. Stay where you are. With love.”

In Closing

Boundaries are not walls. They are not a sign that something is wrong with you or wrong with the people you love. They are honest communication about what you need in order to show up fully — for yourself and, consequently, for everyone around you. They will change as you change. They deserve to be stated clearly, honored consistently, and revised as needed without guilt.

And if someone in your life consistently cannot respect them? That is also information. Useful, clarifying, sometimes painful information. But information, nonetheless. What you do with it is up to you. Which, when you think about it, is the whole point of having boundaries in the first place.

★ Che Michelle is a writer, cultural commentator, and person with a very clear sense of what she will and will not tolerate. She holds no professional credentials in therapy or nutrition and would like everyone to remember that the neither do they the next time they feel like offering some unsolicited advice.