I’ve cracked the code for escaping subscriptions. No more pretending your card was stolen. What I found is simpler, rooted in the chaos of modern life.
Gas prices.
That’s it. That’s the whole thing. You’re welcome. But stay with me, because this is where it gets interesting.
Now hear me out before you close this tab, because I know what you’re thinking. What does gas have to do with my Netflix? The answer: everything. In today’s world, filling a tank costs as much as a car payment, and I refuse, and I mean refuse for the folks in the back to also be paying $21.99 a month just for a giant corporation to cancel every show I actually like. Suddenly, these seemingly unrelated things are intertwined, and I have connected them.
So how does this play out in real life? You call up whatever subscription has been quietly bleeding you dry for the past eight months the gym you joined in January, the meal kit service you forgot existed, the meditation app with the audacity to charge you for stress. (I’m already stressed about living in America; your little bird isn’t helping me relax!) When customer service asks why you’re canceling, you answer with full conviction: “Gas prices.” If canceling online, when they ask for a reason, type in full caps: GAS PRICES!
Not “I don’t use it anymore.” Not “I’m trying to save money.” Gas. Prices. Deliver it with the gravity of congressional testimony. Speak it as if each word costs you.
For example, you can call and say, “Hi, I’d like to cancel my gym membership.”
Customer Service Rep with a deadpan: “Can I ask why?” You think you don’t care, but you know this game. In your best political voice: “Gas prices. I can’t afford to drive there. I’ll be walking now. My commute is my workout. The sidewalk is my treadmill. God gave me legs, lungs, and allergies to challenge my breathing.”
And if they offer you a discount? You look at that discount dead in its eyes, and you say, “I need a discount at the pump. Can you do that? No? Then we’re done here.”
The brilliance of this approach is that it’s impossible to argue against. No one can claim gas prices are low or that they don’t matter. Gas prices are universally hated, affect everyone, and serve as a neutral, non-personal explanation for cutting costs. By using them as your reason, you’re making a logical and widely relatable argument.
Best of all, this strategy isn’t limited to gym memberships. It scales beautifully.
Canceling a podcast app subscription? “I can’t tell the difference between real humans and AI anymore, and I am not financially supporting the robot takeover.” Done. Cancelled. Goodbye.
Energy bill too high? Call Netflix and tell them you’ll be sitting in the dark meditating on your life choices, and you can do that for free. For free. Netflix cannot compete with free darkness.
Planet Fitness? “I’ll be walking everywhere. Gas is six dollars a gallon. My legs work. We’re done.”
Some of you are out here concocting elaborate lies, fake moves, fake financial hardships, even fake deaths of distant relatives to cancel subscriptions. Meanwhile, a far simpler explanation is right there, loud and obvious, at $5.89 per gallon. Use it! Say it with your chest! “I cannot afford this because everything costs too much, and I am one grocery trip away from an existential crisis!”
That is a complete sentence. That is a legitimate reason. That is, frankly, a political statement.
Because here’s the thing
And I mean this sincerely amid all the chaos: if enough of us start citing gas prices every single time we cancel something, we become more than individuals; we collectively challenge how unaffordable everyday life has become. We become a movement. Imagine the “Rent Is Too Damn High” Party, updated for the 2020s: now it’s about endless subscriptions and the 13 streaming services that never seem to offer anything worth watching on a Friday night.
Americans deserve a functional transit system. The American people deserve affordable energy. We deserve, at minimum, to cancel our gym memberships without a 20-minute guilt trip from a stranger named Derek. So, next time a company asks why you’re leaving, look Derek in the eye and simply say: “Gas prices.” Derek will understand. Derek, too, drives to that underpaying job.
If you would like to donate to my gas tank you can check out this link—> ko-fi.com/chemichelletales
Until Next Time,
Che Michelle
Leave a comment